The 12 Worst Baby Names

1. Fido
2. Saddam
3. Menudo
4. $%@#
5. Whoreson
6. Agustin De La Torre Gonzalez, Esq. III
7. Kaitlin
8. Fuckface
9. Snooki
10. Hambone
11. Fred
12. D'aunnayz (pronounced "Donny")

The Worst Shots Ever

You like drinking? Not after you try some of these abominations.

Here's number 14:

Gorilla’s Puke

If the name doesn't give it away, I don't know what will. Also

known as 152, this drink will surely have you puking at the

end of the night...

http://www.campussqueeze.com/post/The-Worst-Shots-Ever-Created.asp

Worst TV Shows of the Last Decade (2000-2010)

I don't watch a whole hell of a lot of TV. Other than
Family Guy, the occassional episode of The Simpsons,
the news and a few other odds and ends, I watch almost
no TV anymore. And after you see the shows on this list,
you will better understand why I fell out of love with
television...a looooong time ago. Here are some of the
worst crimes against the human mind (and eyes)in recent
memory. Most, but not all of these shows, started in
the 2000s. But they have all aired at some point
during the last 10 years. I'm sure I've missed dozens,
if not hundreds, of bad shows, but I need to limit my
list to what I've actually had the misfortune to watch.
And whatever my traumatized memory hasn't blocked out:


1. American Idol

I'm aware this is an extremely popular show, which only further
proves my belief that a majority of people are a couple of brain
cells away from not drooling on themselves. This is essentially a
glorified high-school talent show where some of the most
delusional, sad and useless people in America try to become
singing stars by getting judged by a panel of people whose opinion
should matter about as much as a pile of dog shit. American
Idol has accomplished the impressive feat of making the
corporate music industry an even worse and more culturally
offensive black hole than it already was before. I'm impressed.

Also, if the contestants sang more stuff that wasn't R&B or
showtunes, maybe I'd watch. Ha ha, just kidding, I'll never
watch this show again. Unless it's part of some sort of drinking
game or something.









Why can't we steal GOOD ideas from the British?




2. Brothers

Some former NFL player who can't act for shit and couldn't
make me laugh with a tank of nitrous oxide gets his own sitcom,
where he owns or works at some restaurant or bar or some shit.
There's some black guy in a wheelchair. That's all I remember.
Oh, that and not laughing once.


3. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Apparently a cross between 30 Rock and The West Wing. So
basically a serious show about the making a of a comedy show.
Do I have that right? I fell asleep after 5 minutes. This lasted
one season. It should've lasted one minute. Or not at all.


4. I Love New York

This...thing...was a spin-off from the appalling "Flavor of Love",
in which several women compete for the affections of looks-
challenged rapper Flavor Flav. I was going to include that show
on this list too, but I didn't think it fair to include both, and I hated
this one much more. This woman who calls herself "New York"
was a contestant on Flavor of Love, and apparently was considered
enough of a train wreck on her own that she was given her own show.
Makes sense. In this one, a bunch of clueless douchebags try to
"win" New York's affections. Kind of like wanting to win a savage
beating, or a vacation to Somalia. The behavior or both "New York"
and the "contestants" is so retarded, shallow and over-the-top that
I had to watch a couple of episodes just to make sure that this was
all really happening. Unfortunately, it was.


5. The Osbournes

I used to love Ozzy Osbourne. Still do, actually. But my opinion
of The Prince of Darkness decreased pretty dramatically
once I saw a few episodes of this baffling "reality" show. Some
things about this family I already knew: Ozzy is a drug-addled
mess who can barely take care of himself (if at all), Sharon runs
everything and his kids are douchebags. Got it. Once I got all
that out of the way, well...it was just depressing. Did Ozzy
really need the money that bad? Was he starving?? I'm thinking
his wife put him up to this.














6. America's Got Talent

It seems that America doesn't have that much talent after all. This
is yet another talent-show-type abomination, except in this one,
people perform things like dancing, magic tricks, impersonations...
basically whatever random shit. Most of the folks who came on this
show have some weird talent that caused someone, at some point,
to tell them: "Hey, it's really cool how you can juggle four flaming
footballs while wearing condoms on your fingers! You should be on
TV!". And finally, there was a show they could go on and show the
world their "talents". A horrible, horrible show.


7. Stacked

Pamela Anderson is a directionless woman with giant tits
who takes a job at a bookstore. Hilarity ensued. Or it was
supposed to. I guess. The show only lasted one season,
proving that guys won't watch a sitcom just because Pam
and her balloon-sized gazongas are on it. There's porno
for that stuff.


8. Are You Hot?

Imbeciles paraded in front of a panel of other imbeciles,
so that they could be judged solely on their looks and
told whether they are 'Hot' or 'Not'. I'm pretty
sure you'll understand why I find this idea repulsive. The
most clueless and empty-headed people on Earth parade
themselves, like cattle (in swimsuits), in front of smarmy,
sarcastic retards and an equally idiotic audience. This
idea actually started as a website (which the TV people may
or may not have used with permission). Thanks a lot,
Internet. I still love you, though. You're not television,
at least.












I will always love you.

Shit Movies #2

Time for some more reviews of movies I've watched, courtesy of
the ten bucks a month I spend on Netflix:

Pink Flamingos (1972)

The movie that put director John Waters on the map--well,
some sort of map (registered sex offenders map?). This
extremely raw and purposely disgusting movie follows the
exploits of Babs Johnson, played by morbidly obese trans-
vestite Divine, as she seeks to regain the title of "Filthiest
Person Alive" from a couple of local perverts. Let's just say
that the competition gets pretty fierce, and it makes for
some pretty disgusting cinema. Bizarre situations and
characters abound, including an infamous scene in which
Divine eats dog shit straight out of a dog's ass. WHY DID
THIS MOVIE NOT WIN AN OSCAR?

Anyway, I'd say I'm VERY hard to offend, especially by a
movie. But I had to turn this movie off on two separate
occasions during my viewing, because I couldn't stand to
look at what was on the screen.

FUN FACT: I had my girlfriend at the time over for
dinner one night, and since I'd gotten this movie in the
mail that afternoon, I decided to play it after dinner.
HOLY SHIT. Neither one of us had seen it before. To
her credit, she didn't run away screaming, right there
and then.

This movie is not just disturbing, but also hilarious and
worth watching as--if nothing else--a fascinating cultural
artifact.

Rating: *** 1/2
























Sure. Go ahead. Go ahead and watch it!
But I warned you! You remember that.


Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

This is one movie which had a lot of potential and plenty of
sources for potential jokes, but it ended up a dull, pointless
snoozefest. There wasn't a single laugh-out-loud moment in
the film for me. I'm pissed off I wasted a slot on my queue
on this. I thought that with Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen,
this movie would HAVE to be funny. I was wrong. What
the fuck?? I mean, nothing worked here. Many of the jokes
were too drawn out, delivered wrong or just plain corny.
There was a lot of talent involved in this movie, and it
all somehow ended up not making a difference. Corpses
could've made me laugh more. Actual corpses.

Rating: Zero stars.


300 (2007)

Great visuals and cool battle scenes...BUT, this movie's baffling
refusal to adhere to even a minimum of historical accuracy is
troubling. If you want to make a pure gore-fest, then just
make an action movie that doesn't pretend to be based on
history. And why are the Persians BLACK??!? Do the film-
makers meven know what a real Persian was/is supposed to
look like? Sadly, I suspect they do, but they went with cheap
racism here (Black = Bad). The ones that weren't black
looked like characters from the Star Wars cantina scene.
Visuals aside, this was little more than a glorification of
fascism. The main messages: Individuals are worthless,
only the collective (Sparta) matters. Those who are not like
us are weak and deserve to die. War is glorious. Black people
are bad. Dying for a king is equal to dying for "freedom". I
hope Frank Miller is proud.

The movie looked great, though, and the battle scenes were
cool. So I'll give it two stars for that.

Rating: **
















This is...Nazi Germany?



Hart's War (2002)

An appalling snoozefest featuring a charisma-free Bruce
Willis. So boring I don't even remember the plot. I could've
better used my time by staring at a blank screen for 2 hours.

Rating: 1/2 *

Shit Movies

I don't consider myself a movie buff, but I do like to watch a couple
of movies a week, and am also a Netflix subscriber. Every now and
then, I'll get a movie that's either so good-- or so appallingly bad--
that I feel compelled to get on Netflix and write a short review.
Since I'd been thinking of doing a movie review feature regularly
anyway, I've decided to start with the reviews I've already written.
Some of the movies will be recent, some not. I will use a standard
5-star rating, at least until I come up with something funnier/
wittier/more offensive/stupider/more immature.

So here is the first installment of Shit Movies...


Beerfest (2006)

A "movie" about a bunch of guys who train to win a beer-drinking
contest in Germany. Sounds like it should've been hilarious, but
wasn't. It was way too long. And where are the jokes?!? The whole
movie felt like the cast was just screwing around amusing themselves
and each other. What about the audience, guys? This could've been a
very funny movie, but they dropped the ball...badly.
Rating: *


Epic Movie (2007)

One of the worst movies of the last decade. Joke after joke that fell
flat, all with the subtlety of an airplane crash. And why did the
writers consider characters break-dancing to be funny in and of
itself? Also, if you are trying to be funny by making constant
pop-culture references, make sure you include a JOKE in there
somewhere too. Referencing something by itself is not funny.
It's tragic that I even needed to type that last sentence.
I saw this at the dollar theater, on 50 cent night, and I felt
ripped-off.
Rating: No stars.


Cloverfield (2007)

Disappointing. I didn't even have a problem with the shaky,
handheld- camera-style of filming; if anything, that added a
sense of tension and urgency. My main problem was that there
wasn't enough monster. I assumed this was because the movie
was supposed to focus more on the story of the PEOPLE who
are tyring to survive the attack. Which would've been a great
idea, IF the characters hadn't been a bunch of dumbass,
annoying, yuppie douchebags. I was openly hoping for the
second when they would all die, and when they did, I found
it underwhelming, as it's hard to even be happy about
characters you don't care about getting creamed. This movie
had a ton of potential and some good moments, but overall, it
fell flat on its face.
Rating: **


S.W.A.T. (2003)

Absolute trash. Formulaic, super-predictable plot and cardboard
characters made this a real chore to watch. Which is too bad
because there are some good actors in here. I would just have to
ask them: did you need the money THAT badly?
Rating: *

Worst PC Game Ever

I took this picture at a used bookstore recently. They
obviously also sell video games, and the strategic
placement of the price sticker really caught my attention.

Maybe it's a Holocaust-related game. You never know
what the kids will be into these days.